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Coming Off Psychiatric Medication

I was on 3 years of Olanzapine and Haloperidol (oral pills) and Clopixol (monthly injection) since my last admission to hospital. 


My eyes would randomly and uncontrollably roll back into my head every 2-3 days for hours at a time. I was powerless to stop the eye-rolling, and rendered sightless due to my eyes pointing upwards, towards the back of my head.


This handicapped me from taking on any jobs, and I couldn't reliably leave the house alone, for fear that it might spontaneously attack while I was out of the house.


That all thankfully stopped once I dropped the Clopixol jabs.


The Olanzapine and Haloperidol made my memory suffer. I could not recall any of my immediate thoughts, even if only a few seconds had elapsed since I thought them.


I favoured junk food and little movement, if I even moved out of my bedroom at all... I would sleep until the late afternoon, and then sleep again in the day, and then all through the night.


It was no life at all. I am currently off medication, but I still keep a stash of drugs (my Zopiclone sleeping pills and Olanzapine antipsychotic) for those days when I cannot go to sleep on my own, or need to feel less excited and more calm, in order to go to sleep. Doc's orders were to restart the oral Olanzapine (the drug notorious for appetite and weight gain) should I feel a relapse coming on.


To tell you the truth, I'd rather be off medication and have quality of life than be drugged up and lose my mental acuity and clarity, motivation and edge.


If this means that I will find myself relapsing and back in the hospital, even if I practice good sleep hygiene and sleep the appropriate amount of hours everyday (lack of sleep is my bipolar relapse trigger for mania), I'll take it.


I have prepared myself and my family for this instance, in case I do get readmitted. I have told them it is not a failure on anyone's part, and it is not a failure on my part for getting readmitted. It is biology and choices. 


I have a hospital bag ready to go, filled with my favourite books, a notebook and coloured pens and highlighters to keep me occupied during my 2 weeks - 1 month stay at the hospital.


I would miss my children dearly, but I tell myself that people go on business trips abroad for months at a time, away from their families all the time. 


I'll take this readmission as a well deserved stay-cation and break from reality.


Should I get admitted to hospital again for the 8th time in 6 years, (which I hope I will not), I wouldn't be too upset about it because I only ever get to meet truly remarkable, interesting and creative people in Singapore within the halls of IMH (Institute of Mental Health).


As long as my family continues to visit me in the hospital and out, and support me emotionally, I have no complaints.


#bipolar #offmeds #bipolaroffmeds

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