On Shame and Teaching a Child

Today, my daughter quietly let go and pissed her panties, puddling onto the floor.

I did not get mad - which would have been my usual, tired response when I'm stressed and distracted. Instead, I shamed her.

The damage I did to her psyche was far worse than if I had responded angrily, or taken a healthier/more healing approach by supporting and encouraging her, and letting her know that it was okay, we all do silly/undesirable things, make mistakes, and accidents happen.

I shamed her by telling her I was not, in fact, going to clean her up, and she could stand in her piddle.

She really, really started to cry.

And for the rest of the day, she refused to wear panties, asking to be comfortable in diapers instead.

I had achieved the opposite effect of what I had set out to do.

Shame is an unwieldy emotion that parents, and a patriarchal society has to be or should learn to be careful with.

By Ciole Loia, on Quora:

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