Sorry, Not Sorry

Something happened to me today that turned my understanding of myself and my emotions on its ear.

I began to understand why I'd checked myself into a mental hospital, to cry and grieve and scream and generally act like a mentally insane person.

I was denied the release of my emotions (i.e. my anger, my sadness, frustration and fears) when I was under my parents' tutelage.

It became apparent to me, after how they handled the situation today: instead of owning up to their emotions of sadness (which I suspect was their primary emotion, seconded by frustration, perhaps), they responded to my 3-year old daughter's tears and frustration with anger.

She'd wanted to go swimming, but she wanted to go to sleep. She'd wanted to go out for a fun excursion, but she also wanted to be carried to the car. And so, in her confusion and ambivalence, she released her emotions the only way she knows how: by talking through tears and screams of loud frustration.

And how was her emotional outburst received? With 'okay, if you're gonna behave like this, we're not going out. Period' and 'stop crying. We're not going swimming if you keep crying'.

Now, it makes sense to want to stop a child (or adult) from crying, because it's an uncomfortable state of being. But what she needed then was more love, compassion and comfort than anything else. A quiet, let-the-child-communicate type of understanding.

And I'd told her to apologise to her grandpa for crying, eventhough it hurt my heart and made me cry to ask that of her. In hindsight, I shouldn't have shamed her and made her apologise for feeling her big emotions. I should have stuck by her through her stormy mood and protected her from feeling ashamed of her own emotions... But, I was a coward, afraid of censure for appearing like I was too soft on my kids. I know better now. Next time, I won't orchestrate unnecessary apologies. And I won't apologise for my own emotions, big and small.

As I hugged her through her crying, a little worried about being reprimanded for appearing to mollycoddle my kids, I accepted that I couldn't change what my parents think. The reality was I was only trying to protect my child's self-esteem and emotional fragility.

It's time for me to stop apologising for the way I feel, and for the way my kids feel, act and behave. As for why I did what I did and checked into IMH (institute of mental health) that one time, well, the conclusion I've come to, finally, is I did it to heal.