SHERMIN LEE

It’s 2:28am, and I’m still awake. I’m tired, but my mind/soul is unwilling to put my body and brain to slumber. I’m inspired. Like Kanye West, a man I once presumed conceited and entitled, I am inspired. He wants to change the world. I do, too.  At the same time, I DON’T want to change the world. I know it will happen. I just want to be a Mother, and then a Grandmother. THAT is how I am going to change the world around me.  I am only one, and I am alone, but not on my own. Because a tiny drop in the water creates a ripple effect, and I am infinitesimally tiny.

Children are autonomous. Until we break them. Children are precocious, until we teach them. Children are guileless, until we corrupt them. We are all children.

All anyone ever wants is attention: above recognition, above appreciation, above acknowledgement, maybe even on par with wanting approval. I know I'm like that. Just like a child who says 'look mummy! Look, I did this,' or 'I did that', some of the time when I finish writing a blog post, I'm excited for certain people to read my content, and so I show it to them.' And asking for attention is not wrong. The problem with our world today is that people are asking for attention without having anything susbtantial to share. (People are mainly concerned with hopping on the next viral trend, that they sometimes forget that content with weight and gravity remains timeless, whereas fluff is just... fluff. It's lightweight and often negligible). We are constantly bombarded by negative imaging and messaging. 'Do this, be this, have that,' a lot of messages are crafted by talented people to manipulate us into consuming or conforming, so they

Click the picture. I dare you. You cannot treat the artist's temparament and spiritual ills: a soul-crushing, debilitating depression, through medicine and academic knowledge, without first knowing the science behind the creative mind/heart/soul. A thing like that should be handled with care, as the emo is far more intricate than the ego. There is a certain artistry to listening, asking the right questions, and getting NOT the right or correct responses, but rather truthful and honest responses, whether they are emotional, physical or verbal. The artist, or every single human being I know has a recovery mechanism innate to his or her person. It takes time and self-work: introspection, to find what is healing to existential depression and suicidal ideation; anxiety. Self-talk and therapy, healing and cure cannot come from without (external reality), when the 'problem' or 'illness' stems from the intrinsic (the internal/imagined reality). Just as

I am a dutiful wife: I have a duty to love, honour and care for my husband. I am a dutiful mother: I have a duty to my children, to raise them whole and raise them well. Keep them clothed, fed and content, if not truly happy. I have a duty to my family and friends: to care for them when they need me, to listen when they need a listening ear. I have a duty to my readers: to be inspired by the people I meet, to write for their needs. But most of all, and above all else, I have a duty to myself: I have a duty to love, honour and respect my voice. To take care of me, to correctly and vociferously identify, and then understand my needs as a woman, a spiritual being, a wife, mother, friend, writer, singer, daughter, lover, caregiver etc. I have to put duty above all else. Duty to whom? Duty to myself. Because if I don't, duty to everything and everyone else breaks down and falls to shit. #Truth

Men function primarily on ego. Their sense of pride, achievement, satisfaction rests on their concept of right and wrong, justice and injustice, what is fair and what is not. Man is logical and calculated. Man: products and creatures of Nurture. Women rely on instinct; intuition; mother-nature. We are irrational, illogical, emotional, creatures of nature. These are strengths the sexes carry. They overlap in many ways. A man CAN be a woman, in identity, and so too a woman can be man, in identity. Of course, we cannot change our biological makeup, but our personalities and attitudes, even our beliefs are fluid. So, be a man, or be a woman. Be ego, be emo. Be nurture, be nature. Just be you. A true you.

Trust your gut, for it will never lead you wrong. Your logical, reasoning mind might. That's because your logical, reasoning mind is constantly and subconsciously being manipulated and guided by external messages: your family, friends, the media, advertising, society, government, religion. Your gut, or your instinct, on the other hand, also known as your conscience, is yours and yours alone. It is impervious to external influence and subliminal messaging, because it doesn't exist on the same conscious planes in the universe as the logical mind.  It is as old as the first human, ancient as time, and incorruptible. Your gut feeling is you. You are the voice that talks to yourself. And all the time, YOU are right. Not the ego, not the self, not the logical, reasoning voice inside your head. Your conscience; the voice of God; spirit. Trust it. Trust you .

I lost my mind, after I had my babies in the hospital. Why? I have a theory, and that theory is that right after birth, a mother needs to be with her baby, or else the body instinctively responds to the absence of the baby with stress hormones. I call it the dead baby syndrome. If mother and child are not immediately attached and allowed to start the breastfeeding and in-arms bonding process, the woman reacts instinctively, intuitively processing the absence of the child as the child's death. Now, logically, the woman understands that the child is just being taken away for care or tests. But the primitive, primal nature and subconscious mind cannot understand or process the absence as anything but 'my baby has died'. And so, begins the spiral of grief and emotional instability. This is my bipolar 'trigger' story. I know of one other woman who claims to have developed bipolarity after she had her kids. Perhaps more research can be done in this area, an

Being a mother is a job. Nay, a career. It is being a teacher, being a friend, being a boss, being creative, being an entrepreneur, an adventurer, an artist, a visionary (envisioning a better future for your kids). It doesn't, and shouldn't pay in money. It pays with love and kindness, bliss and happiness. And more of us need to stop discounting that. Stop discounting ourselves. We need to start standing up for the rights of women to be mothers, and fathers to be fathers. We need to stop abusing the overworked, tired, under-appreciated PARENT. Because there is no boss, but ourselves. There is no workforce but our children. There is no capital investment but the investment in the welfare of children and their lives. And isn't that the noblest goal/job of all? Read further: https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/moral-landscapes/201904/killing-mothering-the-center-society A well-researched article by Dr. Darcia Narvaez

What changed? My thoughts are still the same, my environment the same, the people around me the same. I am the same. So what's different? I reached out: I called old acquaintances - people whom I connected with, or felt inspired by; people I had questions for (specifically relating to my/their situation) and I talked to them. I got inspired by other people: I watched their YouTube videos and read their books and articles. Today, I'm impervious to perceived putdowns and other people's opinions on me, because I know that there are others out there who 'get' me. Socialising is key. Best over the phone, better face to face. You need quality people, not quantity. I know it's hard to find people you can connect with, but keep trying. Out of the hundreds of people that you meet, if you put yourself out there (I go for peer support sessions and visit Clubheal even though 99% of the people there are not necessarily 'my scene') you WILL

I submit that when I was in the institute of mental health (IMH), I was under a sort of spiritual attack. I was going in and out of dancing, and singing, in a trance-like state. I communed with my inner soul; my inner self; my inner-spirit; God. I heard the words, I heard the music. I bobbed along, I responded, I reacted.' And I was drugged into submission - submit to being 'normal'. Stop hearing your conscience: Mania, they called it. Spirituality, I say. God is my 'mental illness'. Take that, IMH.

So I sing sad songs. Because they make me feel real; genuine. The make me sad, they make me cry. They make me grieve . And then, something amazing happens. I feel well again. Call me a masochist, but we all need pain and suffering in life. It FEELS GOOD to release this type of energy and stress through song/sport/meditation/art (cooking, sewing, painting etc)/work. Let's talk about balance. Yin and Yang. Light and dark. I'm at place in life where overcoming sorrow and pain feels good. Maybe one day, perhaps, I'll have no more sorrow and pain, and I could be happy all the time. But for right now, my world vision is that of lightness and darkness; happiness and sadness. So, I sing.

I cry almost every day now. Well, two days in a row. And that's ok. After a cry, I feel a sense of relief and release. It's cathartic.

Sing. Sing sad songs. Sing happy songs. Sing your heart out. Emote. Feel. Live. Love. Even if you can't hold a tune, sing. 'I sing because I'm happy. I sing because I'm free' - His eye is on the Sparrow (Lauryn Hill)

No, what I truly want is to breastfeed my children. But the time for that has passed... . I don't want to be a lactation consultant. It's too much tedious work getting the certification. No, I want to be a blogger. I want to write, and I want my blog to be popular like xia xue's, and I want to be sponsored and for marketers and advertisers to use my platform for their products (I want to advocate for the products and services I use and/or believe in. Things that make life easier, breezier, and at least more bearable. What I don't want, is to be a mouthpiece for a brand or product or service that is harmful or destructive, or that does a disservice to the world and others. If i ever do that, please come back to this post and call me out on it. We'll talk about it like civil folk do). But what would I write about? My feelings, perhaps. My neuroticism, my bipolarity, my highs and lows. I've come through a cloud of depression and suicide, and now I

If breastfeeding and being a Mother and showering your kids with love was a paid job, how many more would do it? If volunteering to sing for the sick was a paid job, would I do it? Yes, I would. But none of these things are reality - can I turn them into my reality? How? How would I turn breastfeeding and giving Motherly love and singing for the sick-what I’m passionate about-into a career? Into something that not only fulfils me and nourishes my soul, but into something that can help me provide for and sustain myself, my family, my friends, and my community? Do I blog about it, as I am now? Do becoming a breastfeeding/stay-home-mum advocate or coach? Do I continue to sing at bars and restaurants for the ‘sick’ (glug glug) and disillusioned?  How do I continue my life and do the work I was intended to do, and be rewarded and recognised for it?  Do I even want to be recognised for it? Yes, I do. I want to live life in my own quiet way, serving my purpose and m